Signs you bought a bad Christmas tree

• Two feet tall, forty feet wide.
• Salesman's opening line: "You are not a cop, are you?"
• It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers.
• Each branch has "Duraflame" printed on it.
• It is very small and says "air freshener" on it.
• Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours.
• Constantly bragging about its "trunk size".

Weatherstripping, large-scale

Nebraskans had finally had it with leaning into the wind, having their topsoil continually blown away, and chickens laying their eggs two and three times. Seems the wind continually came down from Canada, and there was nothing between Canada and Nebraska to stop it. So the farmers all got together and decided to build a fence across the north border of Nebraska, the idea being to stop that cold wind.

It might have worked, too. The barbed wire they used was strong enough. But the real problem was that a couple of farmers on the upper border kept leaving their gates open.

It must be Monday

To thaw the frozen pipes in his house in Farmingville, New York (United States), one person decided to back his car up against an open window so the exhaust could warm up the basement.

... Shortly afterward, he and his entire family had to be rushed to the hospital suffering from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Painting the church

A preacher and his flock at a very poor church in the hills of Tennessee took up collections, baked cakes, and washed cars for months to get enough money to buy paint for the church exterior which was bare and weatherbeaten. Finally they had enough money. So they bought the paint and all joined together on a Saturday morning to do the job.

When they were about half finished, however, they realised unhappily that they were going to run out of paint before finishing. Thinking quickly, the preacher told them, "It is a water-based paint, just thin it down with water."

So they continued painting and thinning until the color started losing its depth. By the time they were finally finished, it was dark green at the top, light green in the middle and so very light green at the bottom, it was almost white. Still, they were done. They were admiring their work when a dark cloud suddenly appeared -- and the heavens opened up with a deluge of rain which washed all of the newly-applied paint off the church. The congregation was stunned, the preacher very nearly in tears, at all the hard work they had just done for nothing.

Came a huge flash of lightning and a crash of thunder; and then a voice rang out from the heavens:

"REPAINT, REPAINT, AND THIN NO MORE."

A letter from Santa

Hello out there to all people of the world. This is Santa, and I just wanted to let you know that Christmas may be a little late this year. After checking all the boxes and tallying them up, I found some problems with the results.

The first result showed:
GOOD: 428,534,120
BAD: 428,523,119

However, when I checked the list a second time, I found a different result:
GOOD: 428,534,118
BAD: 428,523,121

I can't in good faith go out and deliver presents while knowing I could have made a mistake. Maybe little Johnny was good for once; then again, maybe not.

Thus I have enlisted the help of all my elves and the Mrs to do a recount. We hope to have this finished up by 5 pm on the 24th of December, but there is a possibility that it might take longer. The problem is that that the tally cards are not quite clear to me. I know I made them myself, but I forgot what they meant. And the check marks I used were not all the same, some went left, some right, some were just a mark, some went through both boxes, and some of the tally cards didn't seem to have much of a mark on them at all. So I will leave it up to the elves to decide what I meant.

Therefore, if you wake up on Christmas morning and there are no presents under your tree, at least you can explain why to the children. Thank you for your patience and understanding in these awkward times.


Sincerely
Santa

Forecast

The hump of summer had been passed, autumn lay close around the corner, and the tribe asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be bitter or mild. But the new chief had grown up in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, all he saw was clouds. Nevertheless, just to be safe, he replied that yes, the winter was indeed going to be very cold and that they should all collect wood to be prepared. But being also a practical and responsible leader, he called up the National Weather Service to ask if the coming winter would be cold. Yes, the meteorologist there answered, it looked like the coming winter was going to be quite cold indeed. So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later he checked back with the National Weather Service: "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the meteorologist again replied, "it is going to be a very cold winter." So the chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely certain that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the meteorologist replied, "it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?"

"The Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

The Twelve Pains of Christmas

- From the Bob Rivers Comedy Corp album "Twisted Christmas"


Chorus: The first thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:
Is finding a Christmas tree.

The second thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:
Husband: Rigging up the lights,
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The third thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:
Inebriated man: Hangovers,
Husband: Rigging up the lights,
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The fourth thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:
Frustrated man: Sending Christmas cards,
Inebriated man: Hangovers,
Husband: Rigging up the lights,
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The fifth thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:
Chorus: Five months of bills! ...
Frustrated man: Sending Christmas cards,
Inebriated man: Hangovers,
Husband: Rigging up the lights,
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The sixth thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:
Frustrated wife: Facing my in-laws,
Chorus: Five months of bills! ...
Frustrated man: Oh, I hate those Christmas cards,
Inebriated man: Hangovers,
Husband: Rigging up these lights,
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The seventh thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:
Angry man: The Salvation Army,
Frustrated wife: Facing my in-laws,
Chorus: Five months of bills! ...
Frustrated man: Sending Christmas cards,
Inebriated man: Oh, Jeez!
Husband: I am trying to rig up these lights!
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The eighth thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:
Loud kid: I WANNA TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS!
Angry man: Charities,
Frustrated wife: And what do you mean, "your in-laws"?!?
Chorus: Five months of bills! ...
Frustrated man: Oh, making out these cards,
Inebriated man: Edith, get me a beer, huh?
Husband: What, we have no extension cords?!?
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The ninth thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:
Another frustrated man: No parking spaces,
Loud kid: DADDY, I WANT SOME CANDY!!
Angry man: Donations!
Frustrated wife: Facing my in-laws,
Chorus: Five months of bills! ...
Frustrated man: Writing out those Christmas cards,
Inebriated man: Hangovers,
Husband: Now why the hell are they blinking?!?
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The tenth thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:
Mother: "Batteries not included?"
Another frustrated man: No parking spaces,
Loud kid: BUY ME SOMETHIN'!!!!
Angry man: Get a job, ya bum!!!
Frustrated wife (sobbing): Oh, facing my in-laws,
Chorus: Five months of bills! ...
Frustrated man: Yo, ho! Sending Christmas cards,
Inebriated man: Oh, Jeez, look at this!
Husband: One light goes out, they ALL go out!!!
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The eleventh thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:
TV critic: Stale TV specials,
Mother: "Batteries not included?"
Another frustrated man: No parking spaces,
Loud kid: I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!!
Angry man: Charities!!
Frustrated wife (sobbing): She's a witch! I hate her!
Chorus: Five months of bills! ...
Frustrated man: I don't even KNOW half these people!
Inebriated man: Who's got the toilet paper?
Husband: Get a flashlight!! I blew a fuse!!!
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The twelfth thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:
A few guys: Singing Christmas carols,
TV critic: Stale TV specials,
Mother: "Batteries not included?"
Another frustrated man: No parking?
Loud kid: WAAAAAAH!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
Angry man: Charities!
Frustrated wife: Gotta make 'em dinner!
Chorus: Five months of bills! ...
Frustrated man: I am not sending them this year, that's it!
Inebriated man: Shut up, you!
Husband: FINE!! If you are so smart, YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!!!

Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

A priest, a psychologist, and an efficiency expert are playing a round of golf when they become caught behind a VERY slow twosome, who, despite a caddy, are taking all day to line up their shots and four-putting every green. By the eighth hole, the three are complaining loudly about the slow play ahead of them.

"Holy Mary," exclaims the priest, "I pray that those two should take some lessons before they play again."

The psychologist comments, "I swear there are people that like to play golf slowly."

And the efficiency expert says, "I really did not expect to spend this much time playing a round of golf."

One more hole and they have HAD it with slow play: so the psychologist goes to the caddy and demands that they be allowed to play through. The caddy agrees, explaining that the two golfers are blind, that both are retired firemen who lost their eyesight saving people in a fire (which explains their slow play), and could the three please not complain so loudly.

The priest is mortified. "Here I am a man of the cloth, and I have been complaining about the slow play of two blind men."

The psychologist is also mortified. "Here I am, a man trained to help others with their problems, and I have been complaining about the slow play of two blind men."

The efficiency expert ponders the situation for a few moments. Finally he goes back to the caddy: "Listen, the next time, could they play at night?"

Efficient!

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: "Don't try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made many separate trips between the fridge, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying only a single item at a time. One day I told her, "You're wasting too much time. Why don't you try carrying several things at once?"

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in ten."

Ask an obvious question

Seeing the twin six-year-old boys, passersby invariably smiled and asked their father: "Are they twins?"

"No," the father finally responded. "I have two wives."