That "special" Christmas gift

Never be caught speechless when you get given that singing Christmas tree at the office party! Here are some ideas what to say:

• Hey! Now there's a gift!
• Well, well, well ...
• Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes, that would have fit perfectly.
• This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
• Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.
• If the dog buries it, I will be furious!
• I love it! but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
• Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.
• To think -- I vowed to give all the gifts I got this year to charity.
• I really don't deserve this.

Santa's true profession

Consider:

• You never actually see Santa, only his assistants.
• Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire.
• Santa doesn't really do the work; he directs a bunch of helpers to do all his work for him, but he is the one who gets all the credit.
• Santa doesn't work anywhere near a 40 hour week.
• Santa travels a lot.

Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure!

Stressed, to the 09s

One particular Christmas not so very long ago, Santa was once again getting ready for his annual trip; but this year there were problems everywhere.

Fourteen of his elves got sick, and the on-call elves could not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones. The budget was much too tight to afford what the temp agencies would charge, so he had to pull one of his most experienced elves off the line to find, interview, and bring in more seasonal trainees, who were even slower than the on-call help. Santa was beginning to fall behind schedule.

Because production was down, the First Bank of the North Pole changed the terms on Santa's operating loan, which made him fall even further behind when the goblins running the mines started sending their raw materials COD. To raise enough capital to pay them and hire enough trainees to keep the toys flowing in time for Christmas, he took out a mortgage on his and Mrs. Claus' house -- and when the bank found out about that, they dropped his credit rating and raised the interest on his operating loan.

Mrs. Claus told him that her mother was coming to visit.

When Santa went to harness the reindeer, he found three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. He thought briefly about hiring polar bears, but they had already signed a Christmas contract with Coca Cola, and they didn't get along so well with the reindeer anyway. Then the rest of the reindeer found out how much the polar bears were making for a lot less work. In desperation Santa called over to Whoville to see if Max was free. Max yipped happily and agreed, since the Grinch wasn't needing him just then anyway. He was much too busy on the telephone, buying up all the Whoville mortgages at market-bottom prices and happily anticipating foreclosures.

When Santa began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked, spilling all the toys into the snow. All the electronic toys were ruined. He called the distributors, but every shipment before Christmas had already been pre-sold out. Finally he found a couple of Wii Fits for sale on Ebay, and after some intense bidding which maxed out his remaining credit card, he won. Then the standard shipping company said it did not deliver to his area, and when he finally found one that did, they said they could not promise delivery before Christmas.

Deep breath ... just take a break. Leaving everything just as it was for the moment, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. But when he opened the cupboard where he kept the liquor, he discovered nothing but an IOU note from the elves. Then the coffee pot slipped from his fingers, breaking into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom. Mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then, the doorbell rang. Santa opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big smile and a great big Christmas tree. "Merry Christmas, Santa!" the little angel exclaimed. "Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"

Technicality

A burgler broke into the home of a prominent local lawyer, stealing the lawyer's Christmas presents from under the tree. Scrupulously, he leaves the wife's and children's gifts alone. As he is escaping from the house, he has the bad luck to run into a policeman, who promptly arrests him.

He confesses to what he has done, but tells the policeman that he can't be arrested. When the policeman asks why, he explains, "Because the law states that I am entitled to the presents of an attorney."

At no extra charge

Customer at the counter of a lawn ornament shop: Give me four of those elves, two of the big reindeer, two of the small reindeer, and one of those bent-over, fat Mrs. Santas with the ridiculous bloomers.

Shop owner: That will be eighty dollars for the elves, fifty dollars for the big reindeer, twenty dollars for the small reindeer, and a big apology for my wife ...

Christmas At Rock-Away Rest

'Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest,
and all of us seniors were looking our best.
Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;
Our punchbowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.

A bedsock was taped to each walker, in hope
That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
We surely were lucky to be there with friends,
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.

Our grandkids had sent us some Christmasy crafts,
Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.
The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.

The bed pans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.
Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.

Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,
Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.
The social director then had us play games,
Like "Where Are You Living?" and "What Are Your Names?"

Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,
Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.
Our resident wand'rer was tied to her chair,
In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.

Security lights on the new fallen snow
Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.
Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter
(But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter).

A strange little fellow flew in through the door,
Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.
'Twas just our director, all togged out in red.
He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.

We knew from the way that he strutted and jived
Our social security checks had arrived.
We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak,
Till the clock tinkled out its soft 8 pm stroke.

And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds.
While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.
And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.
'Fore long you'll be with us. We wish you the best!

The twelve pains of X-mas

From the Bob Rivers Comedy Corp album "Twisted Christmas".


Chorus: The first thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:
Is finding a Christmas tree.

The second thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:
Husband: Rigging up the lights,
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The third thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:
Inebriated man: Hangovers,
Husband: Rigging up the lights,
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The fourth thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:
Frustrated man: Sending Christmas cards,
Inebriated man: Hangovers,
Husband: Rigging up the lights,
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The fifth thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:
Chorus: Five months of bills,
Frustrated man: Sending Christmas cards,
Inebriated man: Hangovers,
Husband: Rigging up the lights,
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The sixth thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:
Frustrated wife: Facing my in-laws,
Chorus: Five months of bills,
Frustrated man: Oh, I hate those Christmas cards,
Inebriated man: Hangovers,
Husband: Rigging up these lights,
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The seventh thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:
Angry man: The Salvation Army,
Frustrated wife: Facing my in-laws,
Chorus: Five months of bills,
Frustrated man: Sending Christmas cards,
Inebriated man: Oh, Jeez!
Husband: I am trying to rig up these lights!
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The eighth thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:
Loud kid: I WANNA TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS!
Angry man: Charities
Frustrated wife: And what do you mean, "your in-laws"?!?
Chorus: Five months of bills,
Frustrated man: Oh, making out these cards,
Inebriated man: Edith, get me a beer, huh?
Husband: What, we have no extension cords?!?
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The ninth thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:
Another frustrated man: No parking spaces,
Loud kid: DADDY, I WANT SOME CANDY!!
Angry man: Donations!
Frustrated wife: Facing my in-laws,
Chorus: Five months of bills,
Frustrated man: Writing out those Christmas cards,
Inebriated man: Hangovers,
Husband: Now why the hell are they blinking?!?
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The tenth thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:
Mother: "Batteries not included",
Another frustrated man: No parking spaces,
Loud kid: BUY ME SOMETHIN'!!!!
Angry man: Get a job, ya bum!!!
Frustrated wife (sobbing): Oh, facing my in-laws,
Chorus: Five months of bills,
Frustrated man: Yo, ho! Sending Christmas cards,
Inebriated man: Oh, Jeez, look at this!
Husband: One light goes out, they ALL go out!!!
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The eleventh thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:
TV critic: Stale TV specials,
Mother: "Batteries not included",
Another frustrated man: No parking spaces,
Loud kid: I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!!
Angry man: Charities!!
Frustrated wife (sobbing): She's a witch! I hate her!
Chorus: Five months of bills,
Frustrated man: Oh, I don't even KNOW half these people!
Inebriated man: Oh, who's got the toilet paper?
Husband: Get a flashlight!! I blew a fuse!!!
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The twelfth thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:
A few guys: Singing Christmas carols,
TV critic: Stale TV specials,
Mother: "Batteries not included",
Another frustrated man: No parking?
Loud kid: WAAAAAAH!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
Angry man: Charities!
Frustrated wife: Gotta make 'em dinner!
Chorus: Five months of bills,
Frustrated man: I am not sending them this year, that's it!
Inebriated man: Shut up, you!
Husband: FINE!! If you are so smart, YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!!!
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

Which is best for Christmas?

Christmas tree

• Yuppie: Live tree, planted after use.
• Male: Fake tree, discarded after use.
• Female: Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits.
• Reality: Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with fur-balls.

Christmas lights

• Yuppie: Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm.
• Male: Bulbs flash logo of football team.
• Female: Elegant flickering candles.
• Reality: Tree burns out a fuse.

Top of the tree

• Yuppie: Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype.
• Male: Blonde angel, kneeling, in a wet T-shirt.
• Female: Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas.
• Reality: Hell's Angels steal the tree and the gifts.

Tinsel

• Yuppie: Empower each strand with self-determining skills.
• Male: Six large clumps of tinsel on front of tree.
• Female: Hang each icicle like strand of delicate artwork.
• Reality: More icicles on floor than on tree.

Opening gifts

• Yuppie: Gifts opened on posted, individual schedules so that all can enjoy the surprise and joy.
• Male: Anytime, just so long as you don't block the TV.
• Female: Anytime the entire family is present.
• Reality: Doesn't matter, everyone has peeked anyway.

Christmas dinner

• Yuppie: Tofurkey.
• Male: Anything, as long as there is lots of beer.
• Female: A meal the entire family plans and prepares together.
• Reality: Chinese carry-out.

Ways to confuse Santa Claus

• Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
• While he is in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
• Leave him a note, explaining that you have gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
• While he is in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
• Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
• Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
• Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
• Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
• While he is in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he should not have missed that last payment, and take off.
• Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. " Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk with a note that says, "For Santa. "
• Take everything out of your house as if it has just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
• Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
• While he is in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
• Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he has a red nose!" and fire a gun.
• Leave Santa a note, explaining that you have moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house. ("Turn left half a mile before you reach the bridge ...)
• Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you are sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
• Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
• Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he is in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you have been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
• Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
• Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighbourhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

Stressed

One particular Christmas a very long time ago, Santa was once again getting ready for his annual trip; but this year there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones. Santa was beginning to fall behind schedule.

Mrs. Claus told him that her mother was coming to visit.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

When he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked, spilling all the toys into the snow. All the electronic toys were ruined.

Deep breath ... just take a break. Leaving everything just as it was for the moment, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. But when he opened the cupboard where he kept the liquor, he discovered nothing but an IOU note from the elves. Then the coffee pot slipped from his fingers, breaking into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom. Mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then, the doorbell rang. Santa opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big smile and a great big Christmas tree. "Merry Christmas, Santa!" the little angel exclaimed. "Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.