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Wednesday, October 5

Instruction Manual - Hammer

Notice to Owner
Read all the following precautions and notices carefully before attempting to use your new hammer. Or, as necessary, have someone capable and competent read them to you.

General Notice
Hammers are not toys or recreational devices and should be handled carefully and used only in appropriate situations. The manufacturer reserves the right to specify what uses void the warranty.

Correct Usage
Do not attempt to use the hammer when holding it by the head. Results will almost invariably prove unsatisfactory. Hold the hammer by the moulded grip section (the long thin part) and strike the target object carefully.

Target Object
Use only for its intended purpose. Intended purpose: driving nails.
DO NOT USE on blasting caps, unexploded artillery shells, vials of nitroglycerine or similar materials.

Special Features
The claw portion of the head (the slightly curved and pointed thingy with small open wedge) is intended solely for the removal of nails (metal construction type nails, not hand and foot type).
Nor should your hammer be used to extract teeth, climb mountains, comb hair, or hook toast out of the toaster.

Other Prohibited Uses
Hammers should not be used to swat mosquitoes, in particular and most especially mosquitoes that have landed on facial areas. Serious personal injury can result.
As well, do not use your hammer while performing any of the following functions:

  • bathing or showering,
  • negotiating with insurance personnel,
  • computer data entry,
  • sports activities.

Use of hammers may be habit-forming. Consult your physician if every object you encounter begins to look like a nail.

Legal Notice
Repeated blows to the head of a neighbour with this tool may be considered an offence by some law enforcement officials. The manufacturer accepts no responsibility and specifically denies any liability for unlawful use of the hammer.

Do not use the hammer while operating any aircraft, motor vehicle, or other machinery. "Use" under this category includes, but is not limited to, hijacking, air piracy, kidnapping, and attempts thereat.

Do not connect the hammer in any way to any power source. Hammers do not generally require electrical current or charge. If you feel the hammer will not function properly without electrical power, consult your retailing professional.

Your hammer should be properly secured during non-use periods. It should not be left unattended and accessible by children, psychopaths (whether certified or not), or handymen currently under a doctor's care.


Problem: Nail does not penetrate object
Possible cause: Object is too hard
Remedy: Substitute wood for steel plating

Problem: No sound
Possible cause: Hammer has been accidentally omitted
Remedy: Grasp hammer firmly and repeat

Problem: Marks appear on target surface but nail does not move
Possible cause: Hammer trajectory is flawed or otherwise inaccurate
Remedy: Open eyes

Problem: Windows shatter and glass shards embed themselves in arm and face
Possible cause: Incorrect appliance
Remedy: Substitute washcloth for hammer


Anonymous Austin said...

Simply classic

8:44 PM  

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