Smile of the Day

Life is getting much too serious, yes? Who doesn't need a daily smile?

Thursday, October 27

Standard maintenance

These are alleged to be some actual maintenance complaints submitted by United States Air Force pilots, including the replies from the maintenance crews. Of course, almost exactly the same list flies around for Qantas ...

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Mouse in cockpit."
Solution: "Cat installed."

Problem: "Aircraft handles funny."
Solution: "Aircraft warned to 'Straighten up, Fly Right, and Be Serious.'"

Problem: "Target radar hums."
Solution: "Reprogrammed target radar with words."

Problem: "Seat cushion in 13F smells rotten."
Solution: "Fresh seat cushion on order."

Problem: "Turn & slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns."
Solution: "Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!"

Problem: "Whining sound heard on engine shutdown."
Solution: "Pilot removed from aircraft."

Problem: "Pilot's clock inoperative."
Solution: "Wound clock."

Problem: "Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds."
Solution: "Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds."

Problem: "#2 ADF needle runs wild."
Solution: "Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle."

Problem: "Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine."
Solution: "Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar."

Problem: "Noise coming from #2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer."
Solution: "Took little hammer away from man in #2 engine."

Problem: "Whining noise coming from #2 engine compartment."
Solution: "Returned little hammer to man in #2 engine."

Problem: "Flight attendant cold at altitude."
Solution: "Ground checks OK."

Problem: "3 roaches in cabin."
Solution: "1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away."

Problem: "Weather radar went ape!
Solution: "Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess!

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF always inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Suspected crack in windscreen."
Solution: "Suspect you're right."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."


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