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Friday, November 4

Engineers explained

People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like other people, which can be frustrating to the nontechnical people who have to deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people is to understand their motivations. This chapter will teach you everything you need to know. I learned their customs and mannerisms by observing them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of grooming.

Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there is somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him or her this test to discern the truth.


ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST

Social Skills

Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.

"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction, such as stimulating and thought-provoking conversation, important social contacts, or a feeling of connectedness with other humans.

In contrast, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:
  • Get it over with as soon as possible.
  • Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
  • Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.

Fascination With Gadgets

To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1)things that need to be fixed, and (2)things that will need to be fixed after you have had a few minutes to play with them. However, this, by itself, is inadequate to separate out the engineer: for it is applicable to most do-it-yourselfers. Engineers, in contrast, like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimised and feature-poor toys.

Fashion and Appearance

Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.

Love of Star Trek

Engineers love all of the Star Trek television shows and movies: small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms.

Dating and Social Life

Dating is never easy for engineers. (Just ask Dilbert.) A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function.

Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognised as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it is true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineerlike children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.

Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid-thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions:
  • Bill Gates
  • MacGyver
  • Etcetera

Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death ... longer if it is a warm day.

Honesty

Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships: which is why it is a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth.

Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not lies because nobody could be expected to believe them. A complete list is appended here:
  • "I won't change anything without asking you first."
  • "I will return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
  • "I have to have new equipment to do my job."
  • "I am not jealous of your new computer."

Frugality

Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit: but simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimisation, ie. "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"

Powers of Concentration

If there is one trait that best defines an engineer, it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. (Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resum├ęs before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.)

Risk

Engineers hate risk, and try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media will treat it as though it is a big deal or something. Examples of such bad press:
  • Hindenberg
  • Hubble space telescope
  • Apollo 13
  • Titanic
  • Ford Pinto
  • Corvair

The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:

RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.

Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any and every activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain. If that approach does not suffice to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: "It is technically possible, but it will cost too much."

Ego

Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
  • How smart they are.
  • How many cool devices they own.

The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it is solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal -- a battle between the engineer
and the laws of nature. Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Although at other times this will happen anyway, just because they forgot.) When they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex -- including the kind of sex where other people are involved.

Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. (It may be wise to retain this knowledge for occasional use as a lever.)

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