Smile of the Day

Life is getting much too serious, yes? Who doesn't need a daily smile?




Tuesday, January 3

The computerised lightbulb

How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "We will fix it in software."

How many electrical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
We don't know yet. They are still waiting on a part.

How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
"The light bulb works fine on the system in my office ..."

How many hardcore programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Real programmers prefer LEDs.

How many games machine programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but he needs the seal of approval from Nintendo before he can put his light bulb in their socket.

How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
  • None. "We will document it in the manual."
  • None. It's a hardware problem.
  • 1.000000001.
  • Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
  • Four. One to design the change, one to implement it, one to document it, and one to maintain it afterwards.
  • Four. Oh, plus one senior analyst to manage the project, one technical writer to correct the spelling and grammar of the one who documented it, one light bulb librarian, a salesforce of at least five to drum up enough users who want to turn the light on, 274 users to burn out the new bulb, at which point we go to tender for another light bulb change ...
  • Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in, and two to explain why the project was late.
  • Only one, but she is not available till the year 2000.
  • "The change is 90% complete."
  • "It's hard to say. Each time we separate the bulb into its modules to do unit testing, it stops working."
  • Of course, as everyone knows, just five years ago all it took was a bunch of kids in a garage in Palo Alto to change a light bulb.

How many software testers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "We just recognised that darkness existed. Fixing it is someone else's problem."

How many database people does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: one to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.

How many maintenance programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
  • None. They try to fix the old one.
  • "We looked at the light fixture and decided there is no point trying to maintain it. We are going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait two months?"

How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1.99904274017, but that is close enough for non-technical people.

How many IBM CPUs does it take to turn on a light bulb?
33: one to process the instruction and 32 to process the interrupt.

How many IBM engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They just let Marketing explain that "Dead Bulb" is a feature.

How many IBM employees does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifteen. Five to do it, and ten to write document number GC7500439-001, Multitasking Incadescent Source System Facility , of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank".

How many IBM PC owners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  • Only one, but he will have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which is extra.
  • Two. One to do it, but one to check the new bulb for viruses first.

How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just define darkness as the industry standard.

How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light bulb?
  • One, but Bill Gates must inspect every single bulb and socket before the operation is started.
  • Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets paid for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

How many Microsoft tech supports does it take to change a light bulb?
"The light bulb doesn't work? You must be using a non-standard socket."

How many operating systems are required to screw in a light bulb?
Just one: Microsoft is making a special version of Windows for it.

How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Four hundred and seventy-two. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle ...

How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but s/he will swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for them as it would be for a Macintosh user.

How many Apple and IBM nuts does it take to change a light bulb?
An infinite number, nothing useful gets done while they are arguing. Finally a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that is in front of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether or not the function is exponential is not known.

How many Macintosh engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. It has to be done by a local authorised dealer.

How many Apple programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but why bother? Your light socket will just be obsolete in six months anyway.

How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Seven. One to screw it in and six to design the T-shirts.

How many BASIC programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10 push bulb upwards,twist bulb clockwise 20 goto 10

How many FORTRAN programs does it take to change a light bulb?
1.00000000001

How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
False.

How many Java programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
One, to generate a "ChangeLightBulb" event to the socket.

How many C programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They forgot to declare it first.

How long does it take a C programmer to screw in a light bulb?
Twenty-four hours. Three minutes to put in the bulb, the rest of the time to compile all the libraries.

How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
"You are still thinking procedurally! A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class! All you would have to do is to send a light bulb change message."

How many people does it take to change an object-oriented light bulb?
"Change it? Aw, shucks, I was going to reuse it."

How many Unix programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but if you forget to tell him "2" he will mash both the live and dead bulbs into the same socket at once.

How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
  • As many as you want. (They are all virtual, anyway.)
  • One, but first he has to determine the correct path.

How many technical writers does it take to change a light bulb?
  • Just one, provided there is a programmer around to explain how to do it.
  • None. "The user can work it out."

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