Smile of the Day

Life is getting much too serious, yes? Who doesn't need a daily smile?




Friday, March 3

Resumé

Most recently from Jokes and Humor Online, although it did not originate there.

High Tech Martyr


Objective:

I am seeking a position that will utilise many years of experience taking the blame for things that don't go as planned.

Experience:

Company Name withheld (2000-Present)

  • helped deliver a project 2 months late and $149,000 over budget
  • created custom reports to accurately display the level of failure
  • generated colourful charts and graphs to compare this failed project with more successful projects of the past
  • used multiple sofware packages to incorrectly track progress

Company Name withheld (1998-2000)
  • successfully accepted blame for a large-scale enterprise software solution that was never completed
  • blindly managed 100+ resources towards no deliverable
  • oversaw $1.2 million allocated towards no particular goal
  • documented the entire process of false information with multiple software packages

Company Name withheld (1995-1998)
  • successfully mismanaged multiple projects for clients including Hewlett Packard, Intel, Compaq, Sony, and Toshiba
  • poorly documented project status with Microsoft Project, Microsoft Excel, and Task Tracker
  • communicated false and/or useless information to top-level management with PowerPoint
  • accepted full responsibility to save top-level management the embarrassment of failure

Other Duties:
  • failed holiday party (2002)
  • forgot to clean office kitchen (2001)
  • alphabetised files incorrectly (2001)
  • forgot to FedEx important documents (2000)
  • insulted CEO's wife (1984)

Additional Skills:

I am also available to screw up and accept blame for private parties, family events, office parties, and bar mitzvahs.

Contact:

For more information, please leave a comment.
No reasonable offer will be refused.

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