Smile of the Day

Life is getting much too serious, yes? Who doesn't need a daily smile?

Wednesday, March 15

Welcome to Baltimore!

  • First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is Bawl-a-mer, or Ball-tee-more depending on if you live North or South of Route 40.
  • On Monday, you don't wash your clothes, you warsh them. Before you eat a meal you don't wash your hands, you warsh them.
  • Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Baltimore has its own version of traffic rules ... which begin with "Hold on and pray".
  • There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Baltimore. We all drive like that.
  • All directions start with, "The Beltway" ... which has no beginning and no end.
  • The morning rush hour is from 6 to 11. The evening rush hour is from 1 to 7. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
  • If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
  • When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing with all five of the idiot drivers running the red light in cross-traffic. However, if you don't go as soon as it turns green, then you get the horn. Life is like that.
  • Construction on I-97 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. Interesting that it is called an "Interstate", but runs only from the Beltway to Annapolis. Opening in 1992, it has been torn up and under reconstruction ever since. Does former state governor Glendenning have any relatives who build highways?
  • All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we are in GLIM BURNIE!"
  • If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.
  • Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators.
  • All old ladies with blue hair in Buicks have the right of way. Period.
  • All roads mysteriously change their names as you cross intersections.
  • If asking directions in Ellicott City or Columbia, you must know how to speak Korean. If in Randallstown, Ebonics will be your best bet. If you stop to ask directions in Brooklyn ... well, don't.
  • A trip across town (north to south) will take a minimum of four hours: although the tunnel does, on special occasions, have more than one lane open. But never on holiday weekends.
  • The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy. The Beltway is our daily version of NASCAR.
  • If it is 10°F (-12°C), it is Orioles' opening day.
  • If it is 110°F (43°C), it is opening day at Ravens Football Stadium.
  • If the humidity is 98+ percent and the temperature is 98+°F (37°C), it is May/June/July/August/September.
  • If you go to a football game, pay the $75 to park "Ravens Lot". Parking elsewhere could cost up to $7500 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, etc.
  • If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard, run over him. It is probably not his yard anyway.



Anonymous Anonymous said...

I grew up in bawlmore hun - and yous got it all wrong...

Only those uppity peoples north of the city call it Ball-tee-more.

You warsh your clothes on Thursday. That way you have a clean shirt to wear down the ocean.

Peoples in bawlmore know how to drive - it is those dem out of state people that don't know how to drive.

Well - yous got me there on the yellow light - that means hit the pedal on the right.

I had no idea that there was an I-97 - I thought it was the beltway, and I-95. Jes goes to show you learn something everyday.

Rush hour is 24 x 7 ecerywhere. When was the last time you could get around the west side in less then 2 hours?

Dundock is where the unexplained sightings are.

if the beltway is your version of NASCAR, then 83 is the Autobon.

If yous paying $75 to park for a Raven game - yous gittin' ripped off. How much do you pay to go to an Orioles game?

B'leive, hon!

9:27 PM  

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