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Monday, April 24

Important warnings and instructions for the model XP-200 stepladder

Important: This product contains a warning label known to the State of California to cause cancer.

1. General Warnings and Information.
Judging from the number of lawyers on our company softball team, ladders are extremely dangerous products. Our legal department advises us to expect nearly 5,000,000 injury claims this year, since that is how many ladders we sold last year. After years of study by top industry experts, we have determined that the foremost danger of a ladder is falling off it. However, these same studies show that ladders can be very safe household products when treated with proper care and respect and kept stored in the garage.

2. Determine Your Level of Product Sophistication.
Using a stepladder requires a minimum amount of product sophistication, which you may lack. Prior to getting on a ladder, take the following test. If you think:
  • "Black & Decker" is a big law firm ... Do not climb above third step.
  • "Air bag" is a technical medical term for "lung" ... Do not climb above second step.
  • "Burn the candle at both ends" is helpful product information ... Use ladder only under the supervision of a qualified mental health professional.
  • This warning serves a useful purpose other than to cover our you-know-whats ... Do not go near a ladder.
3. Set Up.
Set ladder up on solid, level ground. Do not set ladder up in mid-air, underwater or on unstable surfaces such as steeples, moving amusement park rides or the moon. To assure ladder is set at proper angle, perform this easy check: level your vision with the plane of the ladder. If you see the ground approaching, stick your arms out quickly and try again.

4. Safety Recommendations.
Our legal department held an important meeting at a popular downtown bistro which resulted in a cell phone call to Marketing, instructing, in that snide way Legal has, that we include the following recommendations for safe ladder use to preserve the important legal defense of Weus Toldicto Uso. Always follow these basic safety precautions:
  • Step 1: Spray two tons of foam insulation around base of ladder.
  • Step 2: Encase yourself securely in plastic bubble wrap (DO NOT POP BUBBLES. THIS IS SERIOUS.).
  • Step 3: Wear a helmet approved by the National Football League, but not the one Troy Aikman uses.
  • Step 4: Hire an independent contractor to climb up the ladder and get the hell out of the way.
5. Climbing the Ladder.
Begin by grabbing the sides of the ladder firmly with both hands. Place one foot securely on the first step. Pull yourself up. Stop! Do not over-exert yourself. Take your pulse. Proceed only if your heartrate is below 120 beats per minute. Never have a heart attack on a ladder. Repeat procedure until desired height is reached, but never stand on the top step. Don't ask us why we put it there if you can't stand on it, just take our word for it and don't do it. If you're ever tempted to disobey this instruction, simply call our toll-free number and we'll send one of our lawyers out to slap you around.

6. Common Ladder Mistakes.
a) Avoid contact with electrical current. Never attempt to plug in a ladder.
b) Avoid contact with lawyers. Statistics show most ladder accidents involve lawyers.
c) There is no such thing as "Safe Sex" on a ladder.
d) This sticker gets slippery when wet. That is why we put it on the side. If you are standing on this sticker you have the ladder pointed the wrong way.
e) Never use ladder during hurricanes, tornados, earthquakes, civil unrest, Running of the Bulls, Grand Prix auto races or other activity likely to upset ladder. If ladder becomes upset, give it a chance to calm down before climbing all over it.
f) Ladders are not toys. Keep all ladders out of the reach of children. Kids, if you are reading this, No, No, No!
g)Be careful when moving ladder around work site. You could poke somebody's eye out with this thing!
h) Never drink and climb. Always have a designated climber on hand.
7. Ladders Don't Kill People, People Do.
At least that is what we thought until we had a big corporate meeting over this whole warning-label fiasco. Marge Lipscomb from Marketing lost it and whacked Hal Weenicker from Legal in the pelvis with a Handy-Home-Stepmate Model 404. Weenicker fell over on Joe Bugler who toppled onto Laura Keenbeam. Weenicker died in an ambulance accident on the way to the hospital. His estate is suing us for failing to warn of this obvious ladder risk. Keenbeam is also suing Bugler for sexual harassment. So, please, if you get irritated with someone, just use a handgun like everyone else.

8. Partial Warnings Only.
See Owner's Manual, Volumes 1-29, for complete instructions and warnings in 37 languages and gang signs. Coming to stores soon: Totally safe virtual ladder climbing.

Enjoy Your XP-200 Stepladder!


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