Smile of the Day

Life is getting much too serious, yes? Who doesn't need a daily smile?

Wednesday, April 19

Secret Emails Between Sauron and the Nine

- by bluicebank, with details taken from both film and books. [The original link is dead, but the White Council still remembers the post fondly - T.]
"Witch-king & Co.: great opportunity here! Interrogation of Gollum reveals One Ring is in Shire (see attached jpg map). Apparently held by hobbit with last name of Baggins. Hobbits are v. short and not known to carry weapons. Piece of orc cake for you guys. Ride forth; grab the Baggins AND the Ring. Time to earn your keep. End-of-year bonus could be big!"
"Oh Dark Lord, the magnificent. Can't find the Shire, so went to Saruman for directions. He said your map was not to scale. Shire turns out to be a verrry long way away. How come we're just learning this now? Expect delay in OneRing project. Respectfully, the Nine."
"Tell me you didn't mention the Ring to Saruman! RE expected delay in project: I don't think so. Ride faster."
"Great Master of Darkness, we did NOT tell Saruman about the Ring. Made up story about losing one of the nine rings while on vacation in those parts. Quite sure he bought it. Will do best to ride faster. Saruman great in Isengard chatroom, you should check it out."
"Have hacked site of Isengard chatroom. Feel pleased. Let me know when you reach Shire."
"Oh great Flaming Eye, stopped off at Bree for well deserved brewskies. Met kewl guy, Bill Ferny, who says Shire not far off. Also says Shire has 'killer weed,' so maybe hobbits will all be dead when we arrive ;-). Hope weed doesn't try to kill us. Looking forward to big bonus."
"Get to the Shire, NOW! See attached artist's impression of Baggins."
"Finally reached Shire. Hobbits still alive. No sign of lethal weed. One hobbit said Baggins and pals moved to suburb called Buckleberry, so we headed that way. Could have sworn we saw some hobbits matching description, but were scared off by elves. Could have sworn I felt power of the Ring. Wraith No.5 thinks he lost his ring in Bree. Do you have another one?"
"No I don't have another one. Nine freaking rings for men, not ten! Tell No.5 to go back and find it. Better take three of you with him so he doesn't get lost himself! Sheesh."
"Hobbits escaped us by going cross-country. Hope rest of the Nine don't take too long looking for No.5's ring in Bree. Thought we would outsmart hobbits and cut them off. Thwarted by mushroom farmer because he had very mean dogs NOT ON LEASHES. Maybe dogs will eat hobbits and we'll just wait to dig through their poop for One Ring. We'll wash it good, so don't worry."
"Witch-king & Co.: Your mid-year reviews are coming up and I can tell you that it's not looking good. Inability (or unwillingness) to throw down with farmer's dogs not impressive. Please show more initiative. Forget about dog-poop idea. Proceed to Buckleberry."
"Almost got 'em, Boss, but they took the ferry and wouldn't send the boat back. Have to go long way around. BTW, Buckleberry and Brandywine River not on your map, so have to ask for directions a lot. Probably an oversight on your part. Detachment to Bree still hasn't returned. Think that WE should get good reviews and Ringwraiths in Bree should be punished, because I'll bet you they are drinking lots of brewskies while we do all the hard work. Hugs."
"(Sigh). I've freed Gollum in the unlikely, but not impossible, case that you cannot fulfill your mission. He seems very dedicated to finding the Ring. Consider this as competition for the year-end bonus."
"Found 'em, Boss. Or at least we thought we found them. Busted up their hiding place real good, but they escaped into Old Forest, which is very scary. We would have gone in after them, but locals sounded incredible fire alarm. Took a vote and decided to head to Bree, wait for hobbits."
"You took a vote?! (Sigh). Fine, whatever."
"Now in Bree, but rest of Black Riders not here. Barkeep wants us to pay their tab. Pal Bill Ferny said homeys are retracing their steps to see if No.5's ring fell off on way from Isengard. Rented great room with view. Expense request enclosed."
"2,000 farthings for 'Dwarf massage'?"
"Hobbits in the building! One Ring confirmed, as hobbit called Underhill disappeared in bar. Guess you were wrong about the name Baggins. Attack on their room planned for midnight! Wish us luck."
"Good going, team. FYI: 'Underhill' probably an alias."
"Got 'em, Boss. Or, well, we thought we did. Entered room where they were staying and saw four beds with what seemed like hobbits sleeping. You should have seen us tear into them! For 30 minutes of what can only be described as a very impressive Ringwraith melee, we slashed and hacked and completely trashed the hobbits' room. But we were tricked, because the figures were only wooden bolsters underneath the covers. So me and the boys went to the rest of the hobbit suites and, let me tell you, ain't no hobbits going to lodging at the inn for quite a long time."
"RE: Attempt to kill hobbits at Bree.
I understand your explanation that hobbits were not in room they rented. Am not mollified by your apparent pride in spending half an hour smashing bolsters and generally trashing that part of the inn.
You nitwits!
Now listen to me carefully: Scare off all horses and ponies in Bree, then watch for hobbits to flee on foot. Should be a no-brainer, even for you. Any word on rest of the Nine?"
"Horses scattered like you said, Boss, except for Ferny's pony, which is nearly dead anyway. Off to find rest of the Nine. Wish us luck."
"I said watch the road, you twits, not search for the other Nazgul!"
"Right you are, Boss. We five are plenty for the job. I guess we'll get the others' bonuses, ha ha. Anyway, turns out the hobbits have joined forces with a Ranger, named Strider. Job suddenly got harder. They also bought Ferny's pony; Bill got hit with apple from one of the hobbits, but lived. He said they went cross-country, which means we'll just have to hope they rejoin the road up ahead. Thoughts?"
"Thoughts? Yes, try following them. On second thought, we wouldn't want you to get lost in the wild, would we? I mean, what is the deal with you guys? Instead, proceed to Weathertop ... yes, it's on the map and wait for them. Don't screw up this time!"
"Went to Weathertop, like you said, Boss. You didn't say a wizard lives there! It was Gandalf, the one you loathe. You would be so proud of us. All five of us ragged on him until he started flashing fire from his magic wand, or whatever that thing is. Boss, you're going to love this: We all rushed him and he ran like a frightened rabbit. Am now in pursuit! Wish us luck."
"No, you idiots! It's a diversion. Get back to Weathertop and wait for hobbits."
"Returned to Weathertop, like you said, Boss. But hobbits and Ranger already there. Attack planned for midnight, even though still missing four homeys. Go us!"
"Yeah, go you. This is a results-oriented project, boys. Just bring It back. That's all I'm asking. No hostages, nothing. Let them all live for all I care. Good luck. There, I said it."
"We're really on track with the project, Boss! Raided Weathertop camp. We had 'em. Check this out: No.2 stabbed the one carrying the Ring! Unfortunately, the hobbit had Swiss army knife and stabbed No.2 in left big toe. Didn't you say they were unarmed? We have to communicate more. Then Ranger started setting us on fire. Most of us able to roll on ground and save most of multi-layered robes, but I'm afraid No.6 and No. 8 are completely naked. Believe hobbits and Ranger escaped. No.9 says he lost his ring at Weathertop. Now I know what you're thinking, but you would be wrong. We're ALL going back to find his ring. Thanks for wishing us luck, because it sure worked! (Group hug).
"Oh venerated mother of Morgoth! Why? What have I done to deserve this? Tell me, please.
OK, the Ringbearer Thief has been stabbed. That's good. Think positive thoughts.
Now, Witch-king, I want you to forget about No.9's ring. Go after the Hobbits, NOW. They're bound for Rivendale for sure."
"Oops, already went to Weathertop (had problems getting email today, think you should check the modem bank, or server, or something). Good news. The rest of the Nine showed up. Turns out No.5 had his ring in one of the folds of his cloak all this time. I guess he's getting a bad review, right? Also found No.9's ring, even though you don't seem to care about it. Didn't tell No.9 you have adopted that position. Hope you care about my ring, still. :-)
Now going after hobbits with full speed. "Ringbearer Thief" (is this his REAL name?) should be catatonic by now from No.2's successful attack. No.2 wants to know if he gets extra bonus, and isn't sure he signed up for Mordor's HMO on re-enrollment week. His big toe is really looking bad. Thoughts?"
"No.1, oh dear Witch-king. Apparently I have failed as a manager to sufficiently convey the importance of the OneRing project. To wit: Your sole purpose is to find the One Ring. Then lay your hands upon it. Do not put it on! Keep it safe on your journey back to Mordor. Then give it to me. That's it. All the personnel concerns you have mentioned will be taken care of, as long as you bring It back. Got that? Comprende? Dost thou fathom?"
"You're right as always, Boss. The One Ring. Got ya loud and clear.
Uh, OK, sorry it's been a week since last email. We like nearly had him at the Ford, Rivendale. I mean, we were really, really close. Even though we had to mess with an elvish warrior and chase after an incredibly fast horse carrying Ringbearer, we were on it. Dude, there was this flood you wouldn't imagine, with scary horse things, and our own horses just freaked, so you'll have to blame the horses, which drowned. Since none of us can swim, and the flood was so terrible, all of us are now buck naked, although I still have my crown. No one lost their ring, which is a plus, right?"
"(Sigh). This is not happening. Feared Nazgul in a pig's eye!
You have new orders: Get your butts back to the office. No, wait, you'll just get lost on the way. I'm sending my nine foul beasts of the air to fetch you."
"Flying first class, Boss! This is way better than riding horses. Thanks for the gesture. We'll be able to get that Ring on Air Mordor, if you would just give us another chance. Please?"
"After lengthy consideration, have decided against my better judgement to send the Nine out again to find the Ring. Yes, you will be flying Air Mordor this time. Make sure the beasts eat some grass for roughage, damnit."
"Back in first class, Boss. Thanks for the reprieve!"
"Hobbits reported in Moria. Company now numbering nine. How quaint. Balrog will get them. Then orcs will bring out Ring. Watch the eastern exit."
"Moria not on map, much less east exit. Asked elves in Lothlorien for directions, but no help there. Took a vote and will watch Anduin River near Rauros. Wish us luck!"
"You're going to need it."
"Good news, Boss! Found the crew (there's eight, not nine like you said). Unfortunately, No.3's beast was shot down by an elf, so expect him to show up all bedraggled at Black Gate. He lost his key, so you'll have to let him in. No.2 hasn't been feeding his beast any grass, and its poop is just horrible! Also, looks like your orcs joined up with Saruman's brood. They captured two of the hobbits after killing man of Gondor. Go orcs. Seems they are heading toward Isengard, not Mordor. Suggest you contact them and send reliable map! Lost sight of remaining hobbits. But rest of company chasing after said orcs, which means that's where the Ring must be. Regards."
"Isengard?! No. Nooo!!! All of you return to headquarters immediately! Witch-king, you head toward Isengard and intercept orcs."
"Boss, went to Isengard like you said, but had to make sure beast got enough grass, so unable to overtake orcs. Someone really trashed Isengard. Don't think Saruman got the Ring, because otherwise he would have kept his place from getting hosed, right? Anyway, it looks like Rohan won their battle with Saruman the White, who is actually sporting more a tie-dye look these days."
"Mercy! I'll have to wage war to get this Ring back. You, Witch-king, go out and attack anyone who looks like they might be wielding One Ring. I'm thinking King of Rohan, since last time I checked he was Saruman's cabana boy."
"Oh, hi Boss. It's No.2. Bit of bad news. A girl beheaded Witch-king’s beast. Good news is King of Rohan's horse killed him. Unlikely he had Ring, like you said. But real bad news is Witch-king was stabbed in knee by a hobbit, and then killed by the girl. I thought we couldn't die, because of the rings you gave us. Is there something I should know? Oh yeah, you lost the battle of Pelennor (probably just to fake 'em out, I'll bet). Anyway, I guess this makes me No.1, right?"
"(Sigh). Sure, you can be No.1, if it makes you happy. Would you all just circle the skies around Mordor, like at a really high altitude so you can't be shot down? That would be just peachy. You Eight can do that, can't you?"
"Did what you said, Boss, flying high. Seems like 7,000 of the enemy are marching toward the home office. Better back up the database, right?"
"Finally some good news. The captains of the West are pushing their luck. One of them probably has the Ring, but hasn't mastered it. Circle above the Black Gate."
"Great news, Boss! Battle going great. They are completely surrounded. You're a genius."
"Fools! The One Ring!! It's at Mount Doom! Fly, fly I tell thee! Fly to Mount Doom and grab the Ring before it's too late!"
"Mount Doom? That's a volcano. Isn't it pretty hot there?"
"Go to Mount Doom immediately! The Ring, get the Ring! Do it!"
"OK, Boss, will do. Is the Ring INSIDE the volcano, or just near it? Well, I suppose we'll find out when we get there. Wish us luck!"
"Boss, are you there? The volcano is erupting something fierce. No can find Ring. Can't even sense its presence. Are you sure it's at Mount Doom?"
"Hey Boss, did you know that Mordor is crumbling? Boss?"


Blogger Sourabh said...

This really is spectacular. There has to be more of this out there. Thanks for finding this :D

2:04 AM  
Blogger Bit said...

Great stuff! I'm saving this one for a particularily long viral e-mail. :)

3:10 PM  
Blogger Ronnie said...

ROFLMAO!!!11!! :)

9:18 PM  

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