Smile of the Day

Life is getting much too serious, yes? Who doesn't need a daily smile?

Tuesday, April 11

Ten simple rules for dating my daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk, you had better be delivering a package; because you sure are not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: you may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
As I am sure you have been told time and time again, in today's world, having sex without utilising a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate. When it comes to my daughter having sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. (She gets it from her mother.) Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
  • Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
  • Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
  • Places where there is darkness.
  • Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
  • Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat.
Films with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; films which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks' homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been; but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.


Blogger Ealgian said...

That is hilarious! Your blog is awesome!!!

6:06 PM  
Blogger treespotter said...

did you read about that guy who auction his future-mother-in-law on the net?

This episode probably happened earlier.

btw, do you have any advice for boys that blog and have future(hopeful-but-unlikely) mother in laws reading their blog?

and last, how come the post don't have a permalink?

8:55 PM  
Blogger Tenebris said...

Not yet -- which is why I look to others for these kinds of heads-up :D

Permalink :D (I find it hides or otherwise makes life difficult for me every so often, just to encourage me to respect its existence ... which suggests approaches for potential future mothers-in-law with good senses of humour.)

9:47 PM  
Blogger treespotter said...

hold on... i'm not getting this right, are you advising such boys to go in hiding and just respect her existence or you still talk of the permalink?

i'm having a real problem here needing a real advice :D

You sound quite authoritative on the subject.

10:41 AM  
Blogger treespotter said...

... and yes, since i might link to this post at some point, you would pardon me if i have delete my comments at some point, SHE does read my blog...

10:43 AM  
Blogger Tenebris said...

Fair enough: and if you delete, I can delete my own answers as well.

I had in fact been talking of the permalink, with a bit of light teasing to try to discover exactly what it was you were seeking with that question.

I don't know about authoritative, except insofar as I am in a position to speak about life and living as someone who lives; and I am certainly not one to give advice as a rule: not least because whatever else, I am not standing in your shoes, and the view may be very different from your perspective.

Nevertheless, if you do seek advice, I can at least tell you how a specific situation appears from the point of view of someone outside ... which, sometimes, can be enough to suggest a solution.

1:04 PM  
Blogger treespotter said...

shit..... that is exactly the sort of cryptic and perfectly reasonable advice that the Lady has been giving me (just being careful in case i couldn't get quick enough to delete those previous comments :p )

Authoritative as in you sound like you have a daughter you love very much...

just as it happens i made her cry quite a lot.

you see, for a boy (well, i'm almost 30, but to mothers, we're always boys, aren't we?) this IS the one place where we can never get any advice. (future) mother in laws are unavailable (they're on the other side), and your mom always think your wrong...

yes... i was thinking rule #4, rule #9 and rule #10.

it's a bit scary. you made your point perfectly clear. so i'm wondering if you have an advice... for us, to stay well above the surface of that five acre

8:59 PM  

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