Smile of the Day

Life is getting much too serious, yes? Who doesn't need a daily smile?

Saturday, December 16

A cyber megillah

The rabbi came over yesterday and we had a bris for my computer, taking a little piece off the tail of the mouse. (Though I didn't actually get a mouse; I got a yad, which makes sense because apparently I am not allowed to touch the Scroll bar.) If you or a friend are considering a kosher computer, you should know that there were some other changes, such as: I had to have two hard drives, one for fleyshedik business software and one for milchedik games. Instead of getting a General Protection Fault error, my PC now gets Ferklempt.

The Chanukah screensavers include Flying Dreidels. My PC also shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings. It also came with a Shabbos Goy software program which automatically turns the harddrive on after sundown, scans the most recent files slowly, and prints out during services. For an additional $29.95 it is accompanied by a Cholent CD-ROM that slowly surfs the Internet during Shabbos, amassing an assortment of Web sites which then is in the browser cache of my harddrive and stews until after sundown Saturday.

After my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours.

My Start button has been replaced with a "Let's go, I'm not getting any younger" button.

When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus".

I hear Hava Nagila during Startup. Microsoft Office now includes: a little byte of this, and a little byte of that. It didn't come with a screensaver, it came with an electronic mehitza, which kicks in whenever I access a feminist Web site. Internet Explorer has a spinning Star of David in the upper right corner. The multimedia player has been renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!"

When I press Delete or Trash I get a Dialogue Box which says "Listen, you never know, you might need this someday. So Cancel?".

When running Scandisk, I am prompted with a "You want I should fix this?" message. When my PC is working too hard, I occasionally hear a loud "Oy Gevalt!". When I click on Clean Up Windows, it tells me it doesn't DO windows. I saw a monitor-cleaning solution from Manischewitz that advertises that it gets rid of the "schmutz und drek" on your monitor. Y2K problems have been eliminated, but the impending problem promises to cause major Tsoris. Computer viruses can now be cured with some chicken soup with matzo balls.

When I open AOL, the announcement doesn't say "You've Got Mail". Instead, it says "You don't WRITE, you don't CALL!". I don't have an Option button; instead, it says "On The Other Hand ..." I don't get e-mail ... I get Eh-mail. (I get all these letters which when I read them, it goes "Eh, who cares?")

After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes Schloffen. And finally, my computer always takes 45 minutes to ShutDown, unless I enter a special anti-separation anxiety command, LOOK, I REALLY GOTTA GO. I PROMISE I'LL CALL.

Clearly something is going on here. I thought I bought a Mac. I think they gave me a Max.


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