Smile of the Day

Life is getting much too serious, yes? Who doesn't need a daily smile?

Monday, April 30

Dear sirs

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 2006 Federal Income Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned for years whether or not these are my children. They are ill-behaved and expensive, and I am happy to cede them to you. You may apply next year to reassign them back to me and reinstate the deductions; this year, however, they are yours.

Since they are minors and no longer my responsibility, I feel it only fair that the government know something about them.

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Just ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their tax returns. While she has had no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name, so taxes should be a breeze. Next year, she is going to college. I think it is wonderful that you will now be responsible for that expense.

While you mull that over, keep in mind she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Health and Human Services funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, or at the very least safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling these discussions in the future.

Patrick is 14. I have had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little too close together for regular people. He may become a tax examiner himself someday if you don't incarcerate him first. In February I was rudely awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home: he and his friends had been TPing houses. In the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or sent directly to Ogden, UT?

His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? You will learn to deal with it. You will have plenty of time, since he is currently sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I will be sure to file your telephone number with the principal. Do not leave him or any of his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives, flammables, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. I am sure you will quickly find the telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. If expenses are relevant to you, be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers.

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. She is 10, going on 21. She wears tie-dyed clothing, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Bob Dylan's. When trying to communicate with her, please keep in mind that Heather cannot speak English. You may need to hire a translator under twenty to understand the curious patois she has fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. Fortunately, your recent tax increase will help you offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. "Hooked on Phonics" is expensive, so the public schools dropped it. Good news, though! You can buy it yourselves for half the amount of the deduction you are denying.

She likes her hats backwards, her pants baggy, and wants at least one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am sure you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, as she "nests" in her room, and I think it would be easier and safer to move the entire thing rather than find out what is really in there.

Since you have denied two of the three deductions, I suppose it only fair that you get to pick which two you will take. Personally I prefer you take the two youngest: I will still go bankrupt with Kristen's college expense, but then I am free! However, if you choose to take the two older children, I will have time for intensive counselling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you decide to take the two girls, I will be able to place Patrick in a military academy.

Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased the withholding on my W4 to cover the $395 in additional tax.

Yours truly,
John Smith


Blogger Rumbi said...


you've made my day!

12:25 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home