Smile of the Day

Life is getting much too serious, yes? Who doesn't need a daily smile?




Saturday, June 2

The world according to Erma Bombeck - 4

  • How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
  • I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
  • I don't know when pepper mills in a restaurant got to be right behind frankincense and myrrh in prominence. It used to be in a little jar that sat next to the salt on the table and everyone passed it around, sneezed, and it was no big deal.
  • I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.
  • I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.
  • I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
  • I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
  • I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.
  • I was leafing through a magazine where there was a before-and-after picture of a woman who went from a size 5 to a size 3 by liposuction. Was she serious? I've cooked bigger turkeys than her "before" picture.
  • I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.
  • I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.

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